On my way home tonight I was disappointed in my music options, so I stepped outside of my box and found myself enjoying a song by Brad Paisley called "Then". It was during this song that I realized how if I could pick any genre, I would want my life to be a country love song. They just have a way of making the simplest of things sound dreamy and romantic.
Now, as I type this I have my latest favorite Mraz song playing and it's hard to believe I was able to get the above paragraph out. For as long as I can remember (I know, that doesn't mean much) Josh and I have joked about "our" song, the song we'll dance to one day when we become man and wife; I have found that song. Or, I have found the song I want that to be so very badly. Sadly, Josh can't stand Mraz strictly because I have an unconditional, undying, unstoppable love for him. Yes, it's that serious. In reality, such a song will be chosen days before the dance occurs. But for those who know me, I've dreamt of my wedding since I knew I'd be a princess on that day with a big white dress, hair in curls, and a tiara. I've heard hundreds of songs between then and now that I've imagined dancing to. I've dreamt of it all. I just about had a wedding planned (not literally but in my head) until Josh came around. And then it all slowly started to change. The details fell away and all that matters is keeping what we have, growing and learning, being better individually and together.
*One. Day. At. A. Time.*
Just working on today is hard, it's emotional, and it's raw because it's right this moment, now. Living in tomorrow allows me to worry, to worry about every single detail, even those I have zero control over. Living in yesterday allows me to relive my mistakes and beat myself up for not doing better, not knowing better.
Look at that, country love song to I suck. I'm certain this has an awful tone and for that I apologize. I'm not feeling awful right now. I'm feeling enlightened by how true the words I type are. How easy it is to say I want to live in today, for today, and just today ... but as bedtime approaches I am finding myself thinking about the 100 things that have very little with today.
I have half a mind to delete all these words, but that'd be giving into my isolating tendency. I don't type for you, I type for me. I type to get out of my head what I can't find the courage to put into words and say. You will form opinions of me along this journey, some good, some bad. Most of the things you think about me I have already thought about myself. Today I think I'm growing, even if it's just a baby step, it's in the right direction.
**I live every moment to say
How much I love this day
There are no obstacles in our way
No mountains to climb
Everything that I look at is a blessing
Carrying us to build our very strengths
There's no accidents there's only what is
Go on and ask me then who I am**
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Daily Grind
In the last ten days I have easily thought of a dozen different topics, comments, and situations to "blog" about. Yet by the time I get home, unwind, and even think to log on to my account ... they have all left me. So for now I am going to just simply type. I read once that if you can't think of anything to write then you should just write that and keep writing anything that comes to mind, in time you'll get to what you "need" to, what you're suppose to get to. So here we go ... pointless typing to find a point.
I struggle with how filtered to keep my blog. I think this is mostly because I write in a spiral notebook to get out of my head what I don't want to hear in words. But this doesn't necessarily mean others should hear them. Maybe I should try not to make such a decision and just let my fingers decide ... ?
I've also struggled with who to purposely tell about my blog ... it's as if I see it as a secret yet public journal. Hmmmm that may backfire quickly.
Let's just go with life, the facts, my truth ....
As we grow up we get to new stages of the norm, things that the crowd, our group of friends all seems to be doing. This is something I have been familiar with not being apart of but typically ache to be. When high school graduation came and everyone was planning for college, I decided to head straight into the work force. But even knowing this was entirely my own choice, I still wanted that college experience everyone else was talking about. Until Josh came into my life, I felt the same way about marriage. It seems everyone around me was getting a shiny diamond, making a date to commit their lives to one another. Somehow once Josh came along I found this peace in where our relationship was, what we were doing for us, not for anyone else. I happily still feel this way today. Yes, of course I want to get married, but I'm not super anxious about it. The next "natural" step according to society is to having little humans. YIKES! This is one phase I don't relate; remotely. And I almost feel bad for not understanding what it's like to want to be a mother. Maybe this will change as I get further in my own path of recovery and discovering myself. However, I doubt that. One thing I have come to understand more as time goes by is that I don't feel this way because I don't think I'd be good at it or I want all of our income to ourselves. I truly don't feel like being one. How childish does that sound?!
Being an aunt on the other hand, it's about the greatest gift ever! Seeing Brayden and watching him learn about the world around him can brighten my best day.
Although once circumstances change, maybe it'll all change. Bring on the time, because it's all that will tell me.
You know my other problem, I reread what I've typed and start to beat myself up for what people will think or how I'll make them feel.
I am me and I suppose there will be little revealed here that you didn't already know about me. It's just my own denial that I'm that transparent.
I struggle with how filtered to keep my blog. I think this is mostly because I write in a spiral notebook to get out of my head what I don't want to hear in words. But this doesn't necessarily mean others should hear them. Maybe I should try not to make such a decision and just let my fingers decide ... ?
I've also struggled with who to purposely tell about my blog ... it's as if I see it as a secret yet public journal. Hmmmm that may backfire quickly.
Let's just go with life, the facts, my truth ....
As we grow up we get to new stages of the norm, things that the crowd, our group of friends all seems to be doing. This is something I have been familiar with not being apart of but typically ache to be. When high school graduation came and everyone was planning for college, I decided to head straight into the work force. But even knowing this was entirely my own choice, I still wanted that college experience everyone else was talking about. Until Josh came into my life, I felt the same way about marriage. It seems everyone around me was getting a shiny diamond, making a date to commit their lives to one another. Somehow once Josh came along I found this peace in where our relationship was, what we were doing for us, not for anyone else. I happily still feel this way today. Yes, of course I want to get married, but I'm not super anxious about it. The next "natural" step according to society is to having little humans. YIKES! This is one phase I don't relate; remotely. And I almost feel bad for not understanding what it's like to want to be a mother. Maybe this will change as I get further in my own path of recovery and discovering myself. However, I doubt that. One thing I have come to understand more as time goes by is that I don't feel this way because I don't think I'd be good at it or I want all of our income to ourselves. I truly don't feel like being one. How childish does that sound?!
Being an aunt on the other hand, it's about the greatest gift ever! Seeing Brayden and watching him learn about the world around him can brighten my best day.
Although once circumstances change, maybe it'll all change. Bring on the time, because it's all that will tell me.
You know my other problem, I reread what I've typed and start to beat myself up for what people will think or how I'll make them feel.
I am me and I suppose there will be little revealed here that you didn't already know about me. It's just my own denial that I'm that transparent.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Forming a habit
Trying to make blogging a habit may take a few weeks to get use to. I don't have a laptop of my own, at least not one that is set up and reliable. Plus, blogging at home just doesn't seem to add up in my head. I live in a 900 square foot place with my dog and boyfriend, not exactly a lot of space to stretch out in.
I am also conflicted on exactly how much is "said" in a blog. I suppose I am typing to no one and everyone all at the same time. So how do you decide what to filter and what not to?
I guess, to be on the safe side, I'll be extra filtered for now. Where the blog takes me in a few weeks, months, etc will be up to it ...
By the way, the year is already flying by.
I am also conflicted on exactly how much is "said" in a blog. I suppose I am typing to no one and everyone all at the same time. So how do you decide what to filter and what not to?
I guess, to be on the safe side, I'll be extra filtered for now. Where the blog takes me in a few weeks, months, etc will be up to it ...
By the way, the year is already flying by.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
And it begins
January first only seemed fitting to begin blogging. I can't say I ever saw myself being a blogger and I will most certainly need my own laptop sooner than later.
So here we go ... let the adventure begin.
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